Friday, August 31, 2012

[UN]BELIEVABLE Things Nigerian Women Will Do To Get Married

"I was going through one of my favourite blogs ‘memoirs of a woman with chutzpah’ and I came across this very interesting article that I felt I should share with you. enjoy." - Onyinye Chukwu wrote, see it HERE.

Tired of waiting for your dream man? Tired of changing boyfriends like underwear? Tired of begging God to upgrade you? Tired of waiting for your boyfriend to propose? Tired of all the heartbreaks and betrayal? Tired of men chopping you for free? Tire no more… Statistics show that only 3% of single women of marriageable age in Nigeria are undisturbed by their lack of a spouse! The other 97% would do just about anything to become Mrs somebody. And when I say anything, I mean it…
Here are the 21 rather unorthodox things ‘classy’ Nigerian women have done in their quest to bag a husband!

Some are bizzare, some are skanky and some are downright sad…but if you’re willing to try anything and getting a husband is the only activity left on your bucket list, you might wanna try a few! (Men beware) #Not for the fainthearted… In no particular order:

Continue after the jump

1. Snatching a friend or relation’s man. All is fair in love and war! Rumour has it that women have resorted to locking their phones, hiding their men and coding their gist from so-called friends cos it’s a jungle out there…


2. Re-inventing themselves. Pretence is the order of the day. No man wants to tame the shrew or teach the inexperienced or make an honest woman out of a dishonest one so once marriage is desired, women package themselves in pseudo, ready-made, easy-to-use, highly desirable packages. After marriage, what you see is what you get!


3. Trapping him with pregnancy. This used to be the old school method of getting a man to propose. From skipping the pill to seducing the man or getting him drunk when she was ovulating, a woman usually knew she had the man where she wanted him once she missed her period even if there was no commitment. Now the guys are saying YES to baby mamas and YES to child support. Are the girls deterred? NO! The girls have stepped up their game by involving the parents and you know parents don’t like scandals.


4. Praying&Fasting. This would presumably be an honourable means of obtaining a husband but sometimes the prayers are offered up to deities other than God & other times it becomes a song permanently on repeat.


5. Taking his photograph to Cele church for a prophetess to pray over or a powerful Alfa. Heard it works like a charm.


6. Taking his sperm, hair or personal effects to Baba. Guys disposing of your condoms yourself is not such a bad idea…


8. Putting love potion in his food! This is classic and timeless but shouldn’t it be called a ‘compelling’ potion? Because in this case, love na by force!


9. Saying YES to a man you despise! A woman has two classes of men usually on her case. The ‘correct’ guys and the ‘disgos’. The disgos usually end up as magas or rebounds but many a woman has shocked a despondent toaster with a sudden ‘Yes’ and men have agreed that truly there is nothing God cannot do!


10. Proposing to a guy! Yes it does happen… (Who wears the engagement ring?)


11. Toasting a man’s family so they make the decision for him! A friend complained that a girl he detested had over the months gotten close to his family. Lavishing on them, cooking for them and basically being their ‘go-to’ girl and now his mum had put her foot down that he had to break up with his girlfriend and marry little-miss-went-home-to-mama depending on how much power the family wields, their word may be final…


12. Asking daddy to get you a husband! If daddy’s a big shot, arranging a husband for you is usually as easy as pie and some men would sell their souls for a large chunk of daddy’s money so both parties are happy…


13. Being your man’s maga! Some women believe that when you finally get a man to be interested in you, spoiling him and overlooking his every fault would get you into a white gown faster than an okada chased by LASTMA! Some men don’t mind a woman who houses them, clothes them, feeds them, gives ‘em pocket money, never gets upset with them even when they misbehave and cleans up after them with little or no contribution from them… Living the dream???


14. Giving him unlimited freedom as long as he proposes. “Tell me I’m number one baby, tell me I’m the future mother of your kids and not Amina, Bisi or Ngozi!” Women used to wanna be the one AND ONLY in their man’s life, now being the number one is good enough…


15. Polishing up a low class, barely educated brother in exchange for a ring! The deal is simple, you send your cleaner, gateman or driver to night school, you give him language lessons, you take him to buy some new clothes and deodorant and teach him to call you honey instead of madam and in exchange, he gets to marry you, share an expensive bedroom and never worry about his bills ever again!


16. Revamping yourself. Change your ward-robe, lose 20kg, buy a truckload of brazilian hair, study the karma-sutra, do a vaginoplasty and change the age on your birth-certificate to read 22. Botox, plastic surgery, a compulsory gym membership and ‘body magic’ also indicated!


17. Becoming a worker in church! Rumour has it that men go to church to marry, the same rumour also reveals that ‘Greeters’, ‘Ushers’ and ‘Lead Soloists’ have the best exposure…praise the Lord!


18. Moving to a new town or part of town so that you are the ‘new girl’. This always peaks the men’s interest and at the same time you get to run away from your past and the ‘old maid’ labels! Combine this with number 16 above and ooh la la!
19. Going for ‘deliverance’ from a spirit husband and sowing a big ‘marriage’ seed in church! Giving your possessions to the poor, giving a sacrificial offering or just giving one thing to God that would make you weep…


20. Abandoning your hopes, dreams and ambitions! I’ve heard people say that women looking for a prince charming live unrealistic dreams, virgins are old-school, overly educated women are proud, rich women are not submissive, ambitious women are conceited, women with demanding jobs won’t have time for their families, women who want a faithful man are deluded and women who don’t get pregnant before wedlock have something wrong with their plumbing! So forsake the masters, don’t even dream of a PhD, quit your job, give away all your money and surely a husband will come… And if all else fails…


21. Marry a married man! He could be your friend’s husband, your sister’s husband, your cousin’s husband, your colleague’s husband, even your mother’s husband if you like! Can you blame these women? The average guy has commitment phobia or is out to play till he is all spent before he settles down or is waiting to make his first ’5 million’ before saying ‘I do’. Even a man with no future ambition or class, much less finances still knows he could have his pick of the best women out there, once he announces he is looking to settle! The last census showed a female-dominated demographic with more women per eligible bachelor. Family and society constantly put the woman in hot water making her personal successes irrelevant till she bags a man.











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