Monday, April 16, 2012

Need A Professional Mourner At A Funeral? Don't Look Too Far, Read This!

Curriculum Vita
Personal Data
Name : Comfort Eze
Sex: Female
Date of Birth: 18th of May 1985

Address: No 8 Adeguwo Street, near Alagbado Cemetry, Lagos State.

Email: Mourning
Phone Number: 08023223456

PERSONAL STATMENT: In line with my name, Comfort, I strive to bring comfort to any sad event, through my special mourning and crying skills. From my address above, it can be seen that I live close to a cemetery. My closeness to the cemetery has made me conversant with the world of the dead; so if you invite me for any event – especially funerals – I’ll feel very much at home. More after the jump...

  • Crying at will is second nature to me
  • I can cry softy without making a sound
  • I can wail loudly and roll on the floor without injuring myself
  • I can wail loudly and roll on the floor and also injure myself
  • I can faint at will (I won’t wake up even if cold or hot water is poured on me)
  • I can vomit at will
  • I can act as if I have lost my mind
  • I know pidgin, native and western mourning songs
  • I can memorize the names of all my clients relatives and mention them as I cry
  • I can cry on a dead body (this will mean an increase in the client’s fee)
  • I am not allergic to dust, so I can put ash and sand on my body while I mourn (as above, this will also attract an increase in the client’s fee)
  • I can also do tears of joy.


School of Life — Life Experience has been my best teacher :
  • Lost my first boyfriend after two weeks
  • Lost my first blackberry after a month
  • Lost my passport two days before I was to go to America for the first time.
  • My Best Friend duped me of N400,000 and I had to drop out of school
  • My Father has three wives, my mother is the last and his least favorite.
  • As if the above reason was not enough, last year, “my mother” told me I was actually adopted.
  • My first investment was buying Oceanic Bank shares; I did not know the bank was going bankrupt.
*All the above sad examples from my school of life, qualify me to be a sadist , hence a good mourner.


St Judas Iscariot Medical Center (2009 – 2010)
Position: Mortuary Attendant
  • Reason for Leaving: Left on completion of Primary Assignment for NYSC.
One-Chance General Hospital (Sep 2010 – Nov 2010)
Position: Mortuary Attendant
  • Reason for Leaving : Left on Expiration of Contract

Unbelievable Miracles Medical Center (2010 – 2011)
Position: Mortuary Attendant
  • Reason for Leaving : Left after a “supposed dead body” rose up in my presence (wonders shall never cease).
* I have been a mourner for 14 funerals; I have done tears of joy for 3 weddings.

  • I have gained serious “street cred” from this job o.


Favourite Movies
  • Tears of the Sun
  • Tears of Love
  • The rich also cry
  • Titanic (Especially the sad part when Jack died at the end , chai ! )
  • Death at a Funeral.

Favourite books
  • The Book of Lamentations in the bible
  • Ecclesiastes 7:2
  • Weep not Child by Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o's


Association of Female Mourners (Lagos Chapter) Position : Treasurer
In charge of collecting monthly contributions.

Emergency Development – Skills Acquisition (CDS) NYSC Position: Treasurer
Collected contribution for funerals.
Kirikiri Prison – Female Inmates Association Position: Treasurer
I was arrested for mishandling funds in my NYSC CDS and taken to prison, but honestly, I have changed. In prison, I was the Treasurer of the female inmates association.

As I said earlier on , I have “street cred” in this job , just go to my area and ask anybody about me – my area name is cry-cry Comfort.


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